My sexuality is part of the reason I express my gender the way I do, yet I keep glossing over the topic every time it sneaks into my entries. Yes, I still like girls, so I’m trans and lesbian if you want some labels.

Just as important as the gender of my partners is what we’re into – BDSM, which might be more commonly referred to as S&M. Here’s the short explanation of what this is: The term “BDSM” is an amalgam of Bondage/Discipline (tying people up), Dominance/Submission (power exchange), and Sadism/Masochism (pain or other unusual sensations). Read the rest of this entry »

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Long ago, I recognized how ridiculous it was to try so hard to become someone’s definition of the “perfect man.” Why then, do I currently have such a hard time telling myself that I’ll never be the perfect woman either? I’ve agonized over passing on here before, but the past few weeks, I’ve started to agonize less and simply pass more. Lately, I’ve developed a feminine voice, and no longer get called “sir” when I talk to people.

My hair and boobs aren’t real (yet), but aren’t noticed without scrutiny, and I’m not that important to most people. It’s reached the point where passing isn’t enough, and I feel like I need to be a “real” woman, with all the right body parts and hormones and everything. Read the rest of this entry »

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As I last left off in this sequence, I had ventured out into the bdsm scene, cross-dressed for the first time, just started to question my identity. It was still probably more of a male identity then, since that’s what I was “supposed to be.” As a little aside, the only way I feel like I’m cross-dressing now is if I wear a polo, khakis, short hair, and go by a boy’s name.

Anyway, back to questioning my identity. I had spent 22 years being the person I was supposed to be, and being in a new scene in a new place was my chance to start becoming the person I wanted to be. Read the rest of this entry »

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I had originally introduced myself to my neighbor as a male, and recently ended up re-introducing myself to her as a female. She was a little disappointed because she thought I was attractive as a male, but neither of us were uncomfortable or anything, and conversation went back to normal.

However, she was a bit confused about why I’m going through so much trouble to become a girl if I have no interest in attracting boys.I don’t dress butch at all, and wearing a skirt out to a party is bound to attract a lot more male attention than female attention. Well, I at one point tried to take advantage of this. Read the rest of this entry »

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A while ago, I wrote about a childhood of repression and fetishism, my subsequent foray into vanilla manhood, and the failure of it all that sent my searching for myself in New York City. I was sidetracked by more current issues, but figured that tonight’s a good night to revisit my life story.

Upon moving to NYC, I had one last vanilla relationship that went nowhere before my curiosity with the BDSM scene returned. It was the summer of 2006 and I had nothing to lose, so I showed up alone at a small, now-defunct Brooklyn BDSM club. Read the rest of this entry »

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