The Perfect Gender
Long ago, I recognized how ridiculous it was to try so hard to become someone’s definition of the “perfect man.” Why then, do I currently have such a hard time telling myself that I’ll never be the perfect woman either? I’ve agonized over passing on here before, but the past few weeks, I’ve started to agonize less and simply pass more. Lately, I’ve developed a feminine voice, and no longer get called “sir” when I talk to people. My hair and boobs aren’t real (yet), but aren’t noticed without scrutiny, and I’m not that important to most people. It’s reached the point where passing isn’t enough, and I feel like I need to be a “real” woman, with all the right body parts and hormones and everything.
Why? I can’t answer that logically. Any reason I’m currently called a “man” now (height, shape of features) would still be present even if I took hormones and got sexual reassignment surgery. I don’t hate my body, and in the rather harsh words of a friend, “better to be a functioning boy than a defective girl.” Many people have told me that being both male and female, between genders, or however you want to say it is part of what’s appealing about me - it makes me “exotic.” One friend said she loves looking at women but needs the body of a man. Another (female) friend said that “a girl with a cock is the best kind.” If I moved out of the middle and became just a girl, I’d lose that appeal. I’d be just a girl, and one that some people acerbically consider “defective” at that.
So how do I stay in the middle, yet live in a binary world? Sure, I can call myself “genderqueer” and disown the terms “man” and “woman” or mix gender cues in my appearance. Due the human need for labels, that’s a little bit comforting. I can always cross-dress as a traditional male at work. I’m growing my hair long enough that I don’t need fake hair. My body and facial hair is already being lasered off. There are different drugs that mildly affect your hormones, and therefore could help me with my body image, without destroying sexual functionality. I seem to have a plan this, but have I just fallen into the trap of trying to become the “perfect androgyne?”
-Erin
