Why Erin? The story of my transition, part III
As I last left off in this sequence, I had ventured out into the bdsm scene, cross-dressed for the first time, just started to question my identity. It was still probably more of a male identity then, since that’s what I was “supposed to be.” As a little aside, the only way I feel like I’m cross-dressing now is if I wear a polo, khakis, short hair, and go by a boy’s name. Anyway, back to questioning my identity. I had spent 22 years being the person I was supposed to be, and being in a new scene in a new place was my chance to start becoming the person I wanted to be.
My new identity needed a new name. I wanted something obscurely androgynous, and recalled how confused I was when my ex-girlfriend conflated the names “Erin” and “Aaron.” So, Erin it was! Apparently, there are men named Erin, including a linebacker for the University of Maryland’s football team. The “Houdini” part was just thrown at me after escaping various dominants’ attempts to tie me up. Erin Houdini will always be a pseudonym, as I’d never legally change my name to that, but I’d probably keep the Erin part.
At that point, a few weeks after coming out as a BDSM player, I basically had a separate identity for my sex life. I’m not terribly interested in separating my sexuality from the rest of myself, and that gradually began to tear at me. What also tore at me was my progressively more feminine demeanor and social role scraping against my rather masculine appearance. It wasn’t so much that I desperately wanted to be female, but more that it bothered me to be considered male. Call me a woman, call me a tranny, call me an androgyne, but I’ve just never felt like a “man.” I’ve long known that venturing away from masculinity would be good for me, but is the answer really to become a woman?
